A Response to: All the Single Ladies - The Atlantic
A response to: All the Single Ladies - The Atlantic
A friend of mine here at grad school, forwarded this article on to me: "All the Single Ladies by ...quite insightfully on the part of my friend. When I finally sat down to read it, the range of my emotions was intriguing - from relief at how much it coincided with my own experience and that I wasn't the only one in this "boat," to depression that what I want and what I have held out for really doesn't exist, to anger that I still feel so incapable of changing our society so that it works the way I want it to. The ultimate question that this article raises is: how do we find happiness in a changing society when we are the ones caught between the changes?
My friend who sent me this has heard me bemoan my single status for the past 2 1/2/ years...and that as long as I continued to be here, in a small mid-Western town, that single status would persist. While a 3 or 4 year graduate program is really not so much time out of a lifetime, when one takes that 3 - 4 years out of their life to pursue something as intense as a PhD at the age of 40, then everything that gets put on hold (like finding a mate) suddenly rears its ugly head as something that is about to pass you by. And the urgency to not let that happen overwhelms you. It least it has me.
The scenarios outlined in this article are encouraging...but only if at the age of 42 you have other single friends of a like mind. I don't. Most of my friends are married. And most of my really close firends are spread out across the country. So even when I finally make it back to my beloved NYC the type of scenario presented won't necessarily be readily available. So what are those of us who don't have that support system of single friends or non-"greedy married" friends to do? Especially when our society, which has been outlined so accurately by Bolick, isn't set-up for this alternative lifestyle.
Marriage, for me, has never been something that I aspired to from the economic or social perspective that is so prevalent in our society. I am the romantic who is looking for an equal partner, someone to make and share a life with, someone to spend time with and travel with, someone to lean on when I need that support (with the reverse being true as well), someone to have meaningful, passionate and unadulterated sex with, and ultimately someone to love and be loved by...whether this ends in the proverbial "marriage" contract is irrelevant to me. (And I am willing to admit that my study and love of film has unfortunately contributed to this ideal concept of partnership) I am willing to admit that this is probably pure fantasy, and the article, I believe, addresses it as fantasy from the perspective of the society we actually live in. But as long as we are consumed with the concept of "coupling," how do we get past the loneliness, for those of us who are still single? I don't need someone to be with all the time; I like my solitude and alone time and desperately need it. But what happens when I need that companionship? Where do I find it in a world of couples who already have a "someone" to provide companionship for?
Oddly, one of the areas which is addressed, but not fully discussed is the issue of sex. Since I've been away at grad school, one of the things I've found to be most neglected...and ultimately needed as a physical and emotional outlet...is sexual fulfillment. For the first time in my life I'm finding it difficult to find someone to have sex with on a regular basis. And sexual fulfillment is incredibly important to both my physical and mental well being. To put it bluntly, I love sex. I'm sure anyone who reads this might say, "well, your 42, you're getting older, which makes you less desirable." I reject that argument, primarily on the basis that most people think I look at least 5 years younger, if not 10, then I actually am. My youthful appearance and attractiveness hasn't faded completely yet, not to mention it's coupled with a youthful exuberance. The issue for me is that in order for the sex to be fulfilling it needs to be meaningful in some way. This rules out that old-fashioned "one-night stand" which I partook of in my 20s and into my early 30s. But because it's not the kind of sex I ultimately find appealing anymore, only fleetingly fulfilling, in fact, I don't keep seeking it out. Yet, it's happened, although only twice in the past 3 years, because it seems to be the only way to have sex at all. The first time it happened because I really just needed to get laid, and he was a great guy and one whom I am still in touch with; and once because I met someone whom I really connected with...and thought he had connected with me. It was one of those movie moments that just seemed magical...and therefore different. I, to my own detriment, thought I found someone with whom, this time, it might just not be a one-night stand...a premature notion brought on by both my terribly idealistic and romantic sensibilities as well as my own urgent and desperate desire for my own coupling. I ultimately succeeded in running him off. My own adherence to the concept of coupling hindered my ability to possibly pursue a different kind of relationship...of course that would mean that this particular man would have to have been a particular kind of man...and I didn't get the chance to find out if he really was or wasn't...
Bolick refers to the dearth of desirable men for women in our age demographic as deadbeats or playboys. Sometimes they're both. I prefer to refer to this as Peter Pan syndrome. The boys who don't want to grow up and whom society doesn't insist they ever do. We continue to insist and allow both men and women to believe that commitment means "prison" and growing up means "no more playtime." Commitment most definitely implies a certain amount of responsibility, but it doesn't have to mean imprisonment. And growing up doesn't mean a loss of fun or sense of play. I find I am continually drawn to these Peter Pan types because there is a part of me who is still Peter Pan herself. I like to play. I like to have fun. I still like to go out and party until dawn...okay, perhaps not every night anymore, but most definitely on some some sort of regular basis...but, yes, always keeping in mind the responsibilities I have as an adult who is supporting herself. Where are the men who also have this balance? Ultimately this is what is needed both for coupling and for many of the scenarios outlined by Bolick's article. Is it really so far-fetched? Instead of the Peter Pans who fear growing up and want to delay it as long as possible, where are the men who have realized the joys and pleasures in being a responsible adult without losing the joie de vivre of adolescence, when it's needed? More than anything, this article revealed that those men just don't exist. We haven't raised them yet. Which means, I may be out of luck. Or perhaps it's just time to rethink what I thought I've wanted and come up with something new...
Until I return...
A friend of mine here at grad school, forwarded this article on to me: "All the Single Ladies by ...quite insightfully on the part of my friend. When I finally sat down to read it, the range of my emotions was intriguing - from relief at how much it coincided with my own experience and that I wasn't the only one in this "boat," to depression that what I want and what I have held out for really doesn't exist, to anger that I still feel so incapable of changing our society so that it works the way I want it to. The ultimate question that this article raises is: how do we find happiness in a changing society when we are the ones caught between the changes?
My friend who sent me this has heard me bemoan my single status for the past 2 1/2/ years...and that as long as I continued to be here, in a small mid-Western town, that single status would persist. While a 3 or 4 year graduate program is really not so much time out of a lifetime, when one takes that 3 - 4 years out of their life to pursue something as intense as a PhD at the age of 40, then everything that gets put on hold (like finding a mate) suddenly rears its ugly head as something that is about to pass you by. And the urgency to not let that happen overwhelms you. It least it has me.
The scenarios outlined in this article are encouraging...but only if at the age of 42 you have other single friends of a like mind. I don't. Most of my friends are married. And most of my really close firends are spread out across the country. So even when I finally make it back to my beloved NYC the type of scenario presented won't necessarily be readily available. So what are those of us who don't have that support system of single friends or non-"greedy married" friends to do? Especially when our society, which has been outlined so accurately by Bolick, isn't set-up for this alternative lifestyle.
Marriage, for me, has never been something that I aspired to from the economic or social perspective that is so prevalent in our society. I am the romantic who is looking for an equal partner, someone to make and share a life with, someone to spend time with and travel with, someone to lean on when I need that support (with the reverse being true as well), someone to have meaningful, passionate and unadulterated sex with, and ultimately someone to love and be loved by...whether this ends in the proverbial "marriage" contract is irrelevant to me. (And I am willing to admit that my study and love of film has unfortunately contributed to this ideal concept of partnership) I am willing to admit that this is probably pure fantasy, and the article, I believe, addresses it as fantasy from the perspective of the society we actually live in. But as long as we are consumed with the concept of "coupling," how do we get past the loneliness, for those of us who are still single? I don't need someone to be with all the time; I like my solitude and alone time and desperately need it. But what happens when I need that companionship? Where do I find it in a world of couples who already have a "someone" to provide companionship for?
Oddly, one of the areas which is addressed, but not fully discussed is the issue of sex. Since I've been away at grad school, one of the things I've found to be most neglected...and ultimately needed as a physical and emotional outlet...is sexual fulfillment. For the first time in my life I'm finding it difficult to find someone to have sex with on a regular basis. And sexual fulfillment is incredibly important to both my physical and mental well being. To put it bluntly, I love sex. I'm sure anyone who reads this might say, "well, your 42, you're getting older, which makes you less desirable." I reject that argument, primarily on the basis that most people think I look at least 5 years younger, if not 10, then I actually am. My youthful appearance and attractiveness hasn't faded completely yet, not to mention it's coupled with a youthful exuberance. The issue for me is that in order for the sex to be fulfilling it needs to be meaningful in some way. This rules out that old-fashioned "one-night stand" which I partook of in my 20s and into my early 30s. But because it's not the kind of sex I ultimately find appealing anymore, only fleetingly fulfilling, in fact, I don't keep seeking it out. Yet, it's happened, although only twice in the past 3 years, because it seems to be the only way to have sex at all. The first time it happened because I really just needed to get laid, and he was a great guy and one whom I am still in touch with; and once because I met someone whom I really connected with...and thought he had connected with me. It was one of those movie moments that just seemed magical...and therefore different. I, to my own detriment, thought I found someone with whom, this time, it might just not be a one-night stand...a premature notion brought on by both my terribly idealistic and romantic sensibilities as well as my own urgent and desperate desire for my own coupling. I ultimately succeeded in running him off. My own adherence to the concept of coupling hindered my ability to possibly pursue a different kind of relationship...of course that would mean that this particular man would have to have been a particular kind of man...and I didn't get the chance to find out if he really was or wasn't...
Bolick refers to the dearth of desirable men for women in our age demographic as deadbeats or playboys. Sometimes they're both. I prefer to refer to this as Peter Pan syndrome. The boys who don't want to grow up and whom society doesn't insist they ever do. We continue to insist and allow both men and women to believe that commitment means "prison" and growing up means "no more playtime." Commitment most definitely implies a certain amount of responsibility, but it doesn't have to mean imprisonment. And growing up doesn't mean a loss of fun or sense of play. I find I am continually drawn to these Peter Pan types because there is a part of me who is still Peter Pan herself. I like to play. I like to have fun. I still like to go out and party until dawn...okay, perhaps not every night anymore, but most definitely on some some sort of regular basis...but, yes, always keeping in mind the responsibilities I have as an adult who is supporting herself. Where are the men who also have this balance? Ultimately this is what is needed both for coupling and for many of the scenarios outlined by Bolick's article. Is it really so far-fetched? Instead of the Peter Pans who fear growing up and want to delay it as long as possible, where are the men who have realized the joys and pleasures in being a responsible adult without losing the joie de vivre of adolescence, when it's needed? More than anything, this article revealed that those men just don't exist. We haven't raised them yet. Which means, I may be out of luck. Or perhaps it's just time to rethink what I thought I've wanted and come up with something new...
Until I return...
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